I've been stuck in this place.

I've been deep in thought. Well, for the past 2 years, I've been in this state wondering back and forth between rationality and surreality. Wondering if everything that had happened was real and all worth it. I've been thinking quite a lot recently about things that I've chosen and reading through past memories made me more confused about whether everything that had happened was really worth it. I know life is testing me at this moment, wanting me to choose the right path, wanting me to just look on ahead and never flinch at what is being thrown at me. It's hard to just look straight in the eyes of life and say "F**K off". But that's what life wants me to do, just for once, let me stand my ground and get everything straight in my life before I move on to another level.

I feel like I'm in a video game - nearing an upgrade of a weapon yet at the cost of the non-usage of the skills I've grown accustomed with the old weapon. It's a big decision standing your ground and say, come on, I'll take you on with no armor or security blanket on. But that's life, it attacks you when you're vulnerable and punish your weakness. I'm in this stage where I'm not so ready to give up the weapon to face enemies without anything and just persevere as "me" again. I'm confused, really, more than ever before.

And as the lines "where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, somewhere along the bitterness and I would've stayed up with you all night, had I known, how to save a life" play in the background, I see life laughing at the sulky fellow typing these words at the virtual space of the internet. I want to get back at the laughing metaphor and give him something to be sulky about.

I chatted with a friend regarding the situation and to say the least, I'm pacified.

Things would've been different if I had known how to save a life. Memories do give you the pages in which you can learn from, a secret book which you can count on when everything feels iffy. I just want to shed this skin which I'm so trapped in, locked by many barriers and shackled by a lot of things. Maybe in time, those shackles will be loose.

"ang gaganda ng sikat ng araw sa mga panahon ngayon. Look forward to better days." - C. B.

C.B., Thank you. :)

I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life...